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Chronic Pain

“Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.” – Dick Feller https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Some_Days_Are_Diamonds_%28Some_Days_Are_Stone%29

Living with chronic pain is a bit of a roller coaster. I try to stay even and positive but sometimes I have to just give in and let yourself wallow in self-pity. It’s like taking a break from the fight to get ready for the next round. I don’t want to do this too often, and I don’t want other people to see it, but I need to do it from time to time. In my mind, I am convinced when I get sick, I will also eventually get better. But that isn’t always the case. The fortunate thing is this isn’t killing me so I tend to get past that most days and get my work done.

Today, though, is one of those days where I am feeling sorry for myself. My legs aren’t working. I mean they are, I can walk, but walking is slow and painful. The inside of my right thigh is locked in some kind of permanent cramp and feels like it won’t move and is weak. My left leg is mostly OK in comparison. I get it, I could be in a wheelchair. That is what I tell myself most days but today all I can think about is “I could also be running 5k in the morning before work”. Maybe I would if I was “normal”. I really miss running.

I don’t know what the answer is so after my allowed period of self-pity I will snap out of it, get my chin up, and carry on.

It’s the next morning now. My leg is a little better. I can do this.

2019-12-09 Update - Since I wrote the above, I have felt much better. Whatever was causing that issue has abated and I am able to live more or less normally again. I feel bad about writing that, it was a low point but it reflects reality. Yesterday, in the freezing cold, spontaneously, I was able to take my son and dog tobogganing a short walk from the house. This sounds like nothing but walking in heavy boots in snow, with a 90 lbs. dog on a leash in one hand, and a kids’s toboggan in the other would have been basically a nightmare a couple weeks ago but yesterday was fun and relaxing. Gotta take the good with the bad, here.